People often come into individual or couples counseling with a secret---including in Southern Oregon. Secrets are important as they can harm or heal. Hearing a secret is my job if someone wants to tell it. Mostly people think of disclosing sexual abuse or the "real" parent of a child as the key secret that may be told. But there are many more. In a couple, "she earns more than he does" is often a secret. A label such as "you're not a Christian" to a person of faith, can be kept secret. And an individual may keep a secret from themselves such as "I eat and don't stop when I'm upset". (The 12 Steps refers to this idea when it says "we are as sick as our secrets".)

Deciding whether to tell, and if so how, is a decision journey of the person I counsel with. Secrets can bring feelings of low self-esteem, create suspicion or distance in a relationship. Books and movies often have this theme because secrets can be dramatic. In some families the "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" rules foster secrets. (It Will Never Happen To Me, covers these rules, by Claudia Black.)

Privacy about a matter usually isn't embarrassing but a secret can be. Having a secret because it will hurt someone or hurt you is different than privacy. Many times there isn't enough information and inaccurate facts are part of a secret. That is why secrets are such a concern with egg and sperm donors is important. People need information for medical and family history.

Between the Strings: The Secret Lives of Guitars covers essays of people who are devoted to guitar. Some used it to heal themselves. John Michael Talbot, Phil Keaggy, William Ackerman, Peter Huttlinger are among the 100 stories of life with the guitar. Kevin Ryan, quotes C.S. Lewis about music linking people to a direct, emotional experience of God. Ryan, a guitar maker, says:

" I wonder what it is about the guitar that it can provoke the attachment and devotion it does. I suppose that many kinds of musical instruments can elicit similar devotion in the folks who love and attempt to master them. But with guitar it seems different---somehow there is a more instinctive or emotional attachment. I think only the violin family has the capacity to evoke a similar range of emotion and music."

Some of the ways people are healed from secrets may be publicly revealed. There aren't pat answers about keeping a secret. Sometimes telling is too risky and will not benefit anyone. The secret may only involve you. Some questions to ask yourself if you are concerned about a secret are:

Who am I protecting? Am I intimidated into silence? Am I keeping a secret because I'm too ashamed to open it?

An excellent resource is The Secret Life of Families by Evan Imber-Black. Having the pressure of a secret is like holding a beach ball under water. You can do it but it takes constant energy. Consider how you can feel lighter by thinking through and using resources, including music, art, journaling or other tools. If you are on this decision journey and would like assistance, you are welcome to contact me.

Barbara Massey LMFT

ParkPlace Counseling Center Medford Oregon

541.245.9610 extension 3

bmasseypcc@hotmail.com

www.barbaramassey.com