Often parents come into counseling in the process of divorce. I am glad that they are considering their children, how to tell their children and what role their future relationship will play in their parenting. I want to encourage fathers and mothers to remember the importance of fathers in their children's lives. (I have found that when a woman has had her own father leave the home, it can be easier for her to discount the role of the father of her children.)

The National Fatherhood Initiative says:

"Fathers can have an important influence on children’s mental and physical health. Children in two parent families are more likely to have access to private health insurance. Children in two parent families are likely to use more preventative and illness-related ambulatory care than single parent families even after income and health insurance is taken into account. Fathers warmth and closeness to their children appears to affect health status many years later."

It is never easy to decide to divorce. But even if your children are not in a two parent family, honor the role of a father if at all possible.

To healthy parenting,

I am about to get a Relationship Quiz going so readers can find direction with common relationship dilemmas. So I thought I'd ask you---what would you like to know? What step in the relationship are you: married, separated, divorced or together/partners? New parents or unexpectedly pregnant? Empty nest is a whole other stage with lots of other steps in between.

Is conflict difficult because of what happens after the fight---the increased distance due to hurt or is it because it is unresolved or both?

Many couples I know have horrendous schedules. Very little time to talk and connect---is that your concern?

Or do you become "flooded" full of feelings making it hard to find new ways to approach issues?

Relationships are highly complex and a relationship quiz will need to bring out your views. When people come into counseling they usually site "communication and conflict" issues. Often I find there is another factor such as high amounts of anxiety, hurt from distance due to depression and more.

Barbara Massey Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

ParkPlace Counseling Center

Medford OR

541.245.9610 ext. 3

bmasseypcc@hotmail.com

The month of April is recognized as National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Kicking, pushing, blocking a doorway or throwing items at someone is part of domestic violence and may be part of sexual assault. Domestic abuse is not only physical or sexual; it also includes emotional, economic, or psychological intimidation or manipulation and happens to 1 in 6 American women.

Couples issues often include some type of control, intimidation and/or violence. I work with many people, including men, that have had trauma as part of their lives and wish to acknowledge them and the hard work they do in their healing. (Teal ribbon from http://www.brownielocks.com/backgrounds3.html)

Here are a few ways to get information and to take a part in preventing further assaults:

• The Court Advocates in the Medford Justice Building (541.774.4986) answers questions about restraining orders and all areas of domestic violence. They also have information posted outside the door. I have found them very helpful to people I have referred.
• Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That? tells how to tell if an abuser can change, is changing, or ever will. His website has many articles and he has spoken in the Rogue Valley. I have attended his training and highly recommend it.
• Learn to "trust your instincts" for self-protection. Remorse does not mean someone will change.

Peace,

Barbara Massey

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Medford Or

245-9610 ext. 3

bmasseypcc@hotmail.com

Many of us are aware of the concerns for children spending too much time on video games, social sites or internet use. Did you know though that the average families owns 12 media devices? Digital cameras, iPods, cell phones, video game players, high def TV and laptops are some of the devices according to Media Post in Nov. '07.

In contrast, when people are talking face-to-face, they are learning to observe and read expressions, notice changes. Baby-mother gaze has been studied with slight changes detected at 60 per minute! In couples the same observation and reading is important to stay connected and learn to ask questions about emotions and feelings.

What happens then when we are looking at a device? We miss the signals even if  written or sound cues are there. While mind reading is not healthy for relationships, being aware of visual signals is necessary for nurture and connection. F2F is the most information rich communication for couples and families.

To gazing,

Barbara Massey LMFT

ParkPlace Counseling Center

Medford Or

541-245-9610 ext. 3

bmasseypcc@hotmail.com

One of the most common diagrams I show clients is about doubt and couple feelings. It is so common to doubt after a partner makes a change: doubt their ability, doubt it lasting And doubt its sincerity.

If Valentine's was special but you are skeptical that the changes you experienced can last you are not alone. If it was great but now it seems hum-drum again that's normal too.

A way to get a good connection going now is to work it into your routine. Five Minutes a Day is all the time it takes to kiss someone hello in the morning, hug at the door goodbye, greeting them at the door with a quick "how are you?" and offer another hug or kiss at nighttime. Couples who build in these routines often have busy lives but feel more satisfied with their relationships. Try it yourself and get a good change going.

Barbara Massey LMFT