In Part I we looked at how music can help couples relax. The last way we'll cover is meshing your dreams. Another music example is having “our song”. Usually it means something to the two of you. It may have a relaxed feel, be upbeat with rock n'roll. Whatever it is shared. If the relationship hasn't become too negative or distant, having a shared meaning you go back to can help you continue to talk. (“Call and response” in blues music.)

When dreams conflict, they need sorting through in a couple. If you share a dream and express it to each other then it helps you grow together. Some of the dreams couples have shared with me are having a child, building a custom home, traveling/visiting vacation spots or working on a hobby together. One person told me they couldn't understand how a couple could Not dream of doing music together when one was musical. Yet if one person is satisified with listening to the other perform, this dream works too. It gets to be as unique as the couple.

If music has worked previously to build your relationship, continue to use it. If you haven’t tried any of these ideas use one or more of them. If conflict or communication in your relationship is an ongoing problem, please don’t delay in trying new things including couples counseling.

Barbara Massey LMFT

ParkPlace Counseling Center Medford Oregon

541.245.9610 extension 3

barbara@barbaramassey.com

www.barbaramassey.com

bmasseypcc@hotmail.com

This weekend, my mother and I traveled from the Rogue Valley to see 1,200 quilts in the Sisters Outdoor Quilt Show. Jean Wells, founder of the show and owner of The Stichin' Post in Sisters said in the paper "even after 32 years, the quilt show is still magical to me." I found it magical also with 15,000 to 20,000 people walking, looking and discussing the quilts. Quilts are an art form and can contribute to stress management.

Our brains are hard-wired to connect. As we wandered and looked, we shared our responses to the quilts. I could sense my calming-feel-good hormone (oxytocin) increasing. This is the same hormone that stressed women feel calming them after reaching out to "tend and befriend" others. The health benefit is enormous.

Seeing many people interacting at a community activity is exciting in the connection benefit. The "neuroplasticity" of the brain means that our brain can adapt and change over time---be "rewired". I envision women who have suffered past abuse, trauma or current betrayals being "rewired". (Internet use, affairs or emotional straying are often topics in the couples counseling I provide.)  Women can experience another contribution to their healing process as they look at and discuss quilts.

When women return to their partner or spouse, they can be calmer and connect more. Less stress is brought into the home. The women at the show came from across the United States and England. I envision a ripple effect throughout towns and cities, the feeling of connection in that small town moving onto many other areas. 

We need to feel connected---and bring that connection home to thrive and reduce stress. Build such experiences in your life, find a way to share your passion or art. And if you did not attend this year and are interested in quilts, check out www.SistersOutdoorQuiltShow.com long before the second weekend in July '08.

Barbara Massey M.A., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Medford Oregon