Many of us are aware of the concerns for children spending too much time on video games, social sites or internet use. Did you know though that the average families owns 12 media devices? Digital cameras, iPods, cell phones, video game players, high def TV and laptops are some of the devices according to Media Post in Nov. '07.

In contrast, when people are talking face-to-face, they are learning to observe and read expressions, notice changes. Baby-mother gaze has been studied with slight changes detected at 60 per minute! In couples the same observation and reading is important to stay connected and learn to ask questions about emotions and feelings.

What happens then when we are looking at a device? We miss the signals even if  written or sound cues are there. While mind reading is not healthy for relationships, being aware of visual signals is necessary for nurture and connection. F2F is the most information rich communication for couples and families.

To gazing,

Barbara Massey LMFT

ParkPlace Counseling Center

Medford Or

541-245-9610 ext. 3

bmasseypcc@hotmail.com

The holidays have a lot of activities, family commitments, work parties and religious events. These can become "shoulds" events we must participate in either due to our own push or someone else wanting us to participate. This creates  demand-resistance. It's a deep seated, often unconscious negative reaction to the demand, even if it is reasonable or unreasonable. It brings out the rebellion in us if we had controlling, overprotective parents, or rigid school environments. The "should" makes family and couple relationships more difficult.

When you notice someone triggered by "shoulds" use words such as "prefer to go" or "it is meaningful to me". Manage your stress and decrease others trigger words.  It helps the relationship all the way around.

Sleep deprivation is growing as 24/7 thinking and the Internet fosters the idea sleeping means we’ll miss something. According to Psychology Today, people are staying up later and sleep disturbances occur at younger ages. Sleep needs vary by age, health and other factors in each individual. And without enough sleep, the emotional centers of the brain are over 60 percent more reactive and over reacting to negative experiences. This  “hyperactive emotional response” occurs in sleep-deprived people. The executive center of the brain that normally keeps emotions under control, the prefrontal lobes, actually starts to shut down. That means couples having a conflict are more likely to over react to one another when they have sleep deprivation.

Besides our brain, our body gets out of rhythm affecting our heart, temperature, metabolism and other processes. We also get sick more often as our immunity goes down. Of course our mood is affected---insomnia is a key factor in depression.

Many people come into counseling with sleep loss. The good news is that medication is Not the only answer. Cognitive behavioral therapy for Insomnia helps with practices that encourage sleep and with relationships issues that cause/contribute to the tossing and turning at night. Anxiety often does not let a person initially fall asleep (initial insomnia) while depression (hopelessness) means you are awakened throughout the night. Relaxation, exercise and other measures are part of curing insomnia.

Sleep is not a luxury that we can optionally choose to take whenever we like. If you haven’t tried to increase your sleep, focus on some new options so that you regain vital rest. Enough sleep is a necessity.

Barbara Masssey LMFT

Parkplace Counseling Center

541-245-9610 ext. 3

Medford Oregon

People often come into individual or couples counseling with a secret---including in Southern Oregon. Secrets are important as they can harm or heal. Hearing a secret is my job if someone wants to tell it. Mostly people think of disclosing sexual abuse or the "real" parent of a child as the key secret that may be told. But there are many more. In a couple, "she earns more than he does" is often a secret. A label such as "you're not a Christian" to a person of faith, can be kept secret. And an individual may keep a secret from themselves such as "I eat and don't stop when I'm upset". (The 12 Steps refers to this idea when it says "we are as sick as our secrets".)

Deciding whether to tell, and if so how, is a decision journey of the person I counsel with. Secrets can bring feelings of low self-esteem, create suspicion or distance in a relationship. Books and movies often have this theme because secrets can be dramatic. In some families the "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" rules foster secrets. (It Will Never Happen To Me, covers these rules, by Claudia Black.)

Privacy about a matter usually isn't embarrassing but a secret can be. Having a secret because it will hurt someone or hurt you is different than privacy. Many times there isn't enough information and inaccurate facts are part of a secret. That is why secrets are such a concern with egg and sperm donors is important. People need information for medical and family history.

Between the Strings: The Secret Lives of Guitars covers essays of people who are devoted to guitar. Some used it to heal themselves. John Michael Talbot, Phil Keaggy, William Ackerman, Peter Huttlinger are among the 100 stories of life with the guitar. Kevin Ryan, quotes C.S. Lewis about music linking people to a direct, emotional experience of God. Ryan, a guitar maker, says:

" I wonder what it is about the guitar that it can provoke the attachment and devotion it does. I suppose that many kinds of musical instruments can elicit similar devotion in the folks who love and attempt to master them. But with guitar it seems different---somehow there is a more instinctive or emotional attachment. I think only the violin family has the capacity to evoke a similar range of emotion and music."

Some of the ways people are healed from secrets may be publicly revealed. There aren't pat answers about keeping a secret. Sometimes telling is too risky and will not benefit anyone. The secret may only involve you. Some questions to ask yourself if you are concerned about a secret are:

Who am I protecting? Am I intimidated into silence? Am I keeping a secret because I'm too ashamed to open it?

An excellent resource is The Secret Life of Families by Evan Imber-Black. Having the pressure of a secret is like holding a beach ball under water. You can do it but it takes constant energy. Consider how you can feel lighter by thinking through and using resources, including music, art, journaling or other tools. If you are on this decision journey and would like assistance, you are welcome to contact me.

Barbara Massey LMFT

ParkPlace Counseling Center Medford Oregon

541.245.9610 extension 3

bmasseypcc@hotmail.com

www.barbaramassey.com