The month of April is recognized as National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Kicking, pushing, blocking a doorway or throwing items at someone is part of domestic violence and may be part of sexual assault. Domestic abuse is not only physical or sexual; it also includes emotional, economic, or psychological intimidation or manipulation and happens to 1 in 6 American women.

Couples issues often include some type of control, intimidation and/or violence. I work with many people, including men, that have had trauma as part of their lives and wish to acknowledge them and the hard work they do in their healing. (Teal ribbon from http://www.brownielocks.com/backgrounds3.html)

Here are a few ways to get information and to take a part in preventing further assaults:

• The Court Advocates in the Medford Justice Building (541.774.4986) answers questions about restraining orders and all areas of domestic violence. They also have information posted outside the door. I have found them very helpful to people I have referred.
• Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That? tells how to tell if an abuser can change, is changing, or ever will. His website has many articles and he has spoken in the Rogue Valley. I have attended his training and highly recommend it.
• Learn to "trust your instincts" for self-protection. Remorse does not mean someone will change.

Peace,

Barbara Massey

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Medford Or

245-9610 ext. 3

bmasseypcc@hotmail.com

One of the most common diagrams I show clients is about doubt and couple feelings. It is so common to doubt after a partner makes a change: doubt their ability, doubt it lasting And doubt its sincerity.

If Valentine's was special but you are skeptical that the changes you experienced can last you are not alone. If it was great but now it seems hum-drum again that's normal too.

A way to get a good connection going now is to work it into your routine. Five Minutes a Day is all the time it takes to kiss someone hello in the morning, hug at the door goodbye, greeting them at the door with a quick "how are you?" and offer another hug or kiss at nighttime. Couples who build in these routines often have busy lives but feel more satisfied with their relationships. Try it yourself and get a good change going.

Barbara Massey LMFT

Men often ask for me for ideas about a date night. Here's some ideas but the most important part is to show that you put a little thought into it, especially in February. Sexual intimacy may be a part of the evening if you are a couple. (Remember, the "lower desire partner" will probably not want to feel pressured, this is a main reason someone avoids "date night".)

It will feel "different" to do this if you're not used to it. Remember to have a sense of humor about how it turns out! Most of these ideas can be used for getting to know anyone better---your child, a friend or another couple.

Choose activities that you both would be interested in and that allows for communication and activity together. Ask your friends for ideas. They may know of a fun restaurant or other local place that you don’t know about. The following ideas will also help get you get started.

Play Tourist

Most people take for granted the “touristy” places where they live. Call yourselves "tourists" and visit a few places. If you need ideas, stop check out the Tempo on Fridays.

The Rogue Valley has:

• Harry & David and other tours
• Historical sites
• Botanical gardens
• Art museums
• Museum of natural history and/or science (the Planetarium at North Medford High School)
• Walking tours (guided tours through Medford, Jacksonville, etc.)

Stay at Home

Get to know each other a bit more with conversation.  (Basic friendship is key to a good marriage.) Find out at least one interesting fact about your spouse that you didn’t know before. Ask "if you had a million dollars and all the time in the world, where would you go and what would you do?"

Play your favorite games together. Bring out the classic board games or a deck of cards.

Cook a meal together. Have fun learning how to make something new. Or have a pizza night and make your own customized pizzas. Have fondue or a sundae party.

Read a book together. You could either take turns reading pages, or have fun taking on characters’ roles. Or read the book on your own and have a night to discuss what you liked about it.

Get Outside

You don’t have to be an athletic person to enjoy the benefits of the outdoors together. Simply taking a walk at a local park will give you some exercise and some time with each other.

Find a spot and go star watching. Find a book on astronomy and pick out constellations.

Try an outdoor activity that you might not normally do. Or go bicycle riding, roller blading, ice skating, horseback riding, water skiing, or camping together.

Try a new sport together, such as tennis or golfing – even if it is just putt-putt golf.

Take a daytrip to explore a nearby town or a drive through the country.

Learn Something New

Build some memories together by learning something new as a couple. Check out your local recreation center or RCC for classes. Pick something you both have always wanted to learn but have never tried.

Take a dance class together (Evergreen Ballroom in Medford or there are others). Or buy a dance video and learn a few new steps on your own.

Learn a new foreign language, and if possible start planning a romantic vacation to the country where the language is spoken. Watch a travel program together.

Try something new sexually.

Whatever you decide, pick something that you both will enjoy and will give you the opportunity to have fun together. Even something simple as bowling or getting coffee or ice cream together can help build your relationship.

Happy Relating,

Barbara Massey LMFT

Couples issues arise with a chronic illness. They effect each part of the relationship: the man, the woman and the relationship itself. Here's the example of Sally and Tim.

Sally says she has a headache but doesn't believe that she usually has it more frequently than ever before and that it's been over nine months from the first one. She may withdraw and not communicate as much as before.

And Tim, her husband,  has his own experiences associated with chronic illness of his father, who never pursued treatment. This means he feels stress, free-floating anxiety and fear because there wasn't any hope of his father's improvement or management of the illness. Then its likely conflict wil increase in the couple as he points things out to Sally the headache frequency, her not telling the doctor at the last visit, etc.

But Sally and Tim have the option of improving the emotional "tone" of the relationship to reduce stress of a chronic illness. Tim can work on the criticism or overprotectiveness a spouse often feels. And together they can can experience greater intimacy and closeness with an illness than before.