The month of April is recognized as National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Kicking, pushing, blocking a doorway or throwing items at someone is part of domestic violence and may be part of sexual assault. Domestic abuse is not only physical or sexual; it also includes emotional, economic, or psychological intimidation or manipulation and happens to 1 in 6 American women.

Couples issues often include some type of control, intimidation and/or violence. I work with many people, including men, that have had trauma as part of their lives and wish to acknowledge them and the hard work they do in their healing. (Teal ribbon from http://www.brownielocks.com/backgrounds3.html)

Here are a few ways to get information and to take a part in preventing further assaults:

• The Court Advocates in the Medford Justice Building (541.774.4986) answers questions about restraining orders and all areas of domestic violence. They also have information posted outside the door. I have found them very helpful to people I have referred.
• Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That? tells how to tell if an abuser can change, is changing, or ever will. His website has many articles and he has spoken in the Rogue Valley. I have attended his training and highly recommend it.
• Learn to "trust your instincts" for self-protection. Remorse does not mean someone will change.

Peace,

Barbara Massey

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Medford Or

245-9610 ext. 3

bmasseypcc@hotmail.com

2008 offers us the opportunity to try something new in our relationships. Grief, church difficulties, losses and conflict are not easy relationship issues to deal with. These are just a few of the topics that I have discussed with people recently during the holidays. Below are some common ideas that I frequently mention to people. Take a look and see if one or more of these suggestions would improve you life. Don't let the distraction of "busyness" deter you from making a change.

Here are a few things that many be different to try this year:

• Increase your social support, stay in touch with those you care about.
• Set more boundaries, choose when to say no and when to say yes.
• Make use of your faith.
• Learn to wait and listen as you wait to deepen the meaning in your life.
• Be still or non anxious.
• Consider mentoring someone (there are several official programs in the Rogue Valley). Consider finding a mentor.
• Learn to work through conflict with respect.

Peace and Joy in 2008,

Barbara Massey LMFT

ParkPlace Counseling Center

541-245-9610 ext. 3

Counseling for Relationships in Rogue Valley, Oregon

Sleep deprivation is growing as 24/7 thinking and the Internet fosters the idea sleeping means we’ll miss something. According to Psychology Today, people are staying up later and sleep disturbances occur at younger ages. Sleep needs vary by age, health and other factors in each individual. And without enough sleep, the emotional centers of the brain are over 60 percent more reactive and over reacting to negative experiences. This  “hyperactive emotional response” occurs in sleep-deprived people. The executive center of the brain that normally keeps emotions under control, the prefrontal lobes, actually starts to shut down. That means couples having a conflict are more likely to over react to one another when they have sleep deprivation.

Besides our brain, our body gets out of rhythm affecting our heart, temperature, metabolism and other processes. We also get sick more often as our immunity goes down. Of course our mood is affected---insomnia is a key factor in depression.

Many people come into counseling with sleep loss. The good news is that medication is Not the only answer. Cognitive behavioral therapy for Insomnia helps with practices that encourage sleep and with relationships issues that cause/contribute to the tossing and turning at night. Anxiety often does not let a person initially fall asleep (initial insomnia) while depression (hopelessness) means you are awakened throughout the night. Relaxation, exercise and other measures are part of curing insomnia.

Sleep is not a luxury that we can optionally choose to take whenever we like. If you haven’t tried to increase your sleep, focus on some new options so that you regain vital rest. Enough sleep is a necessity.

Barbara Masssey LMFT

Parkplace Counseling Center

541-245-9610 ext. 3

Medford Oregon

In a good group, Jean Baker Miller who writes about women, says participants can experience five good things:

1. A sense of zest or well being that comes from connecting with another person or a group.

2. The ability and motivation to take action in relationships as well as in other situations.

3. Increased knowledge of oneself and other people.

4. An increased sense of worth.

5. A desire for more connections beyond the group connections.

I believe that most of us need some type of group, community place, besides our home. A healthy connection offers so much but can be very difficult to find. Being an individual doesn't mean being alone or disconnected, in fact that can be painful. Find a good group, it will benefit the others in your life too.

Barbara Massey LMFT

ParkPlace Counseling Center

Medford Oregon

Have you had had the experience of being somewhere and suddenly hearing a song from your past that changes your mood and brightens your day? In my informal questions when counseling couples in Southern Oregon, I often find that music is often one of the key ways that one or both of the people in a couple can relax. It is a strength and can really help a relationship or an individual. (I often use ocean sounds.)

My husband writes and performs acoustic finger-style guitar music. We often discuss the intersection of music and counseling (music therapy in some circles). First, music can be used to increase positive feelings throughout the marriage or relationship. Putting “money” in the emotional bank account through building the friendship in the relationship is always a good idea.

“Music is directly attached to the heart and soul. It is a fantastic way to ‘tune into the channel’ of a persons' soul and to experience something together that is so a part of the true person” says Steve.

Second, music in relationships can help with conflict. Music can calm, soothe, and heal. Many individuals use it for stress management. You can also use it to reconnect. After reducing stress physiologically with music then let go of thinking about the stressful couples situation. After that you can again approach your partner. (Keep in mind this process can take about 20 minutes.) If you are an individual and are upset, distract yourself with music while you deep breathe. I teach both these techniques in counseling and people really relax with them.

When people are physiologically calm, problem solving increases. You may be able to work out the current problem and feel calm. Couples I have worked with say, “It doesn’t come back later to bite me later” when they feel less stressed but have a conflict resolved.

Watch for Part II for more tips on using music to relax in a couple or indivdually.

Barbara Massey LMFT

ParkPlace Counseling Center

541.245.9610 extension 3

barbara@barbaramassey.com

bmasseypcc@hotmail.com

www.barbaramassey.com