The National Fatherhood Initiative says:

"Fathers can have an important influence on children’s mental and physical health. Children in two parent families are more likely to have access to private health insurance. Children in two parent families are likely to use more preventative and illness-related ambulatory care than single parent families even after income and health insurance is taken into account. Fathers warmth and closeness to their children appears to affect health status many years later."

It is never easy to decide to divorce. But even if your children are not in a two parent family, honor the role of a father if at all possible.

To healthy parenting,

Is conflict difficult because of what happens after the fight---the increased distance due to hurt or is it because it is unresolved or both?

Many couples I know have horrendous schedules. Very little time to talk and connect---is that your concern?

Or do you become "flooded" full of feelings making it hard to find new ways to approach issues?

Relationships are highly complex and a relationship quiz will need to bring out your views. When people come into counseling they usually site "communication and conflict" issues. Often I find there is another factor such as high amounts of anxiety, hurt from distance due to depression and more.

Barbara Massey Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

ParkPlace Counseling Center

Medford OR

541.245.9610 ext. 3

bmasseypcc@hotmail.com

The month of April is recognized as National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Kicking, pushing, blocking a doorway or throwing items at someone is part of domestic violence and may be part of sexual assault. Domestic abuse is not only physical or sexual; it also includes emotional, economic, or psychological intimidation or manipulation and happens to 1 in 6 American women.

Couples issues often include some type of control, intimidation and/or violence. I work with many people, including men, that have had trauma as part of their lives and wish to acknowledge them and the hard work they do in their healing. (Teal ribbon from http://www.brownielocks.com/backgrounds3.html)

Here are a few ways to get information and to take a part in preventing further assaults:

• The Court Advocates in the Medford Justice Building (541.774.4986) answers questions about restraining orders and all areas of domestic violence. They also have information posted outside the door. I have found them very helpful to people I have referred.
• Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That? tells how to tell if an abuser can change, is changing, or ever will. His website has many articles and he has spoken in the Rogue Valley. I have attended his training and highly recommend it.
• Learn to "trust your instincts" for self-protection. Remorse does not mean someone will change.

Peace,

Barbara Massey

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Medford Or

245-9610 ext. 3

bmasseypcc@hotmail.com

In contrast, when people are talking face-to-face, they are learning to observe and read expressions, notice changes. Baby-mother gaze has been studied with slight changes detected at 60 per minute! In couples the same observation and reading is important to stay connected and learn to ask questions about emotions and feelings.

What happens then when we are looking at a device? We miss the signals even if  written or sound cues are there. While mind reading is not healthy for relationships, being aware of visual signals is necessary for nurture and connection. F2F is the most information rich communication for couples and families.

To gazing,

Barbara Massey LMFT

ParkPlace Counseling Center

Medford Or

541-245-9610 ext. 3

bmasseypcc@hotmail.com

If Valentine's was special but you are skeptical that the changes you experienced can last you are not alone. If it was great but now it seems hum-drum again that's normal too.

A way to get a good connection going now is to work it into your routine. Five Minutes a Day is all the time it takes to kiss someone hello in the morning, hug at the door goodbye, greeting them at the door with a quick "how are you?" and offer another hug or kiss at nighttime. Couples who build in these routines often have busy lives but feel more satisfied with their relationships. Try it yourself and get a good change going.

Barbara Massey LMFT

It will feel "different" to do this if you're not used to it. Remember to have a sense of humor about how it turns out! Most of these ideas can be used for getting to know anyone better---your child, a friend or another couple.

Choose activities that you both would be interested in and that allows for communication and activity together. Ask your friends for ideas. They may know of a fun restaurant or other local place that you don’t know about. The following ideas will also help get you get started.

Play Tourist

Most people take for granted the “touristy” places where they live. Call yourselves "tourists" and visit a few places. If you need ideas, stop check out the Tempo on Fridays.

The Rogue Valley has:

• Harry & David and other tours
• Historical sites
• Botanical gardens
• Art museums
• Museum of natural history and/or science (the Planetarium at North Medford High School)
• Walking tours (guided tours through Medford, Jacksonville, etc.)

Stay at Home

Get to know each other a bit more with conversation.  (Basic friendship is key to a good marriage.) Find out at least one interesting fact about your spouse that you didn’t know before. Ask "if you had a million dollars and all the time in the world, where would you go and what would you do?"

Play your favorite games together. Bring out the classic board games or a deck of cards.

Cook a meal together. Have fun learning how to make something new. Or have a pizza night and make your own customized pizzas. Have fondue or a sundae party.

Read a book together. You could either take turns reading pages, or have fun taking on characters’ roles. Or read the book on your own and have a night to discuss what you liked about it.

Get Outside

You don’t have to be an athletic person to enjoy the benefits of the outdoors together. Simply taking a walk at a local park will give you some exercise and some time with each other.

Find a spot and go star watching. Find a book on astronomy and pick out constellations.

Try an outdoor activity that you might not normally do. Or go bicycle riding, roller blading, ice skating, horseback riding, water skiing, or camping together.

Try a new sport together, such as tennis or golfing – even if it is just putt-putt golf.

Take a daytrip to explore a nearby town or a drive through the country.

Learn Something New

Build some memories together by learning something new as a couple. Check out your local recreation center or RCC for classes. Pick something you both have always wanted to learn but have never tried.

Take a dance class together (Evergreen Ballroom in Medford or there are others). Or buy a dance video and learn a few new steps on your own.

Learn a new foreign language, and if possible start planning a romantic vacation to the country where the language is spoken. Watch a travel program together.

Try something new sexually.

Whatever you decide, pick something that you both will enjoy and will give you the opportunity to have fun together. Even something simple as bowling or getting coffee or ice cream together can help build your relationship.

Happy Relating,

Barbara Massey LMFT

Love has a profound effect on your desire to be a great partner, mother, daughter or friend. A sense of hopelessness is often part of couples counseling. All-or-nothing thinking, irritability or sadness are part of depression but do not have to be part of our relationship thinking. (Couples often wait six years to enter counseling.) A greater connection in a major relationship, can reduce that depression.

If you do not have the intimacy, support and connection you desire it is possible. Use this time to learn a new skill or take a step toward someone. If you have had abuse, hurt, betrayal in the past there are principles to use to recover and feel safe in close relationships.

A depressed partner withdraws, gets irritable, may "use", do other things or leave. Recognizing depression and not another issue can be complex. And then when sexual intimacy is affected things can also be difficult for a relationship. Unfortunately, anti-depressants aren't for everyone or may negatively affect sexual function.

But there are ways to help depression and be helpful to the depressed person. You can work through the conflict, not do too much for the depressed person or understand their grief. Since depression is contagious it is important that either one or both people in the couple come into counseling for help if Either of them are suicidal.

To meet this need I will be launching a monthly meeting "Depression and Intimacy". Watch for more information. If you have a time, topic or want to make other comments regarding the meeting please let me know by commenting on this blog, sending an email or calling me.

To good moods,

Here are a few things that many be different to try this year:

• Increase your social support, stay in touch with those you care about.
• Set more boundaries, choose when to say no and when to say yes.
• Make use of your faith.
• Learn to wait and listen as you wait to deepen the meaning in your life.
• Be still or non anxious.
• Consider mentoring someone (there are several official programs in the Rogue Valley). Consider finding a mentor.
• Learn to work through conflict with respect.

Peace and Joy in 2008,

Barbara Massey LMFT

ParkPlace Counseling Center

541-245-9610 ext. 3

Counseling for Relationships in Rogue Valley, Oregon

In intimate relationships, a lack of empathy means you do not feel what another person is feeling. Jokingly called empathy deficit disorder or EDD the article gives several examples. In individual counseling, you may want to learn empathy but in a way that does not require you to give up your viewpoint. This is possible and good news for most people.

Have A Heart gives a tip for building empathy for your partner to try. You can teach yourself or learn to refocus your thoughts, feelings and behavior to show acceptance and build respect in your relationship. This is often what happens in marriage counseling if there hasn't been too much negative. (Then other techniques are available for a professional therapist to use.)

In the adventure movie National Treasure: Book of Secrets the heroes can get into the White House, break in and steal documents and the  spend personal time with the President. But even at the end, they cannot find communication and conflict resolution skills to understand each other well---empathy. Regardless of this movie or what our culture stresses there is hope. Believe it, empathy can be learned.

Barbara Massey LMFT

ParkPlace Counseling Center

541-245-9610 ext. 3

Medford Oregon